Fat, Tired, and Beautiful

"You look tired.  Students say you look very tired.  Are you tired?"

I've been getting these questions quite frequently lately, partly because I am tired after working full time for five months without a vacation.  And partly because, at about the three month mark I stopped regularly wearing makeup.  Yes.  I will be the wife who cuts her hair off and gains 50 pounds after the wedding. 

Lake Park picnic...before I was tired:)

Koreans tend to be extremely blunt about appearances.  Actually, this seems to be an Asian thing: two of my besties grew up in Asia (Japan and Thailand) and had many stories about their classmates/people on the street commenting on their appearances.  It's pleasant to take in the compliments (even the weird ones - like when people on the street insisted on a photo of my friend because she "looked like Britney Spears".  Nope. ), but there is a dark side.  Where compliments flow, criticisms flow also.  My gorgeous friend who grew up in Japan happens to be tall and curvy with massive eyes and curly red hair.  None of these features are conducive to blending in, and when she was a child, her classmates used to tease her about her appearance, including trying to measure her forehead with a ruler.

I'll never forget coming home for Christmas after my first semester at college and being told by my Filipino cook that I looked "healthy."  As in, I had gained weight.  Which, in my case, actually did make me look more healthy - but weight gain is not something that Westerners tend to discuss so freely.  I discussed Korean body image in a different post, so I'm not going to get into that here, but let's just say weight is discussed a lot. (Hence my previous post about my plumpy co-teacher). 

Some of my friends here have been chased out of clothing stores by attendants who are zealously guarding their tiny-sized merchandise. Others tell me stories of how their students have been taught to pose in pictures with their hands under their chims to make their faces look smaller.  A fun post on Eat Your Kimchi discusses the "fat and ugly foreigner" problem - a subject that is discussed so much amongst expats here that I forget it might be an interesting post for my international readers. 

The flipside has its perks.  Students and adults will frequently tell you that you are beautiful, have a small face (this is a good thing), and that they envy your youth.  There are also wonderful moments, like when my third graders discovered my arm freckles and pointed in awe, looking at me and then my freckles, then me, then my freckles, silently letting me know
about my disease. They also pet my arm hair and every once in a while re-discover my eye color.  "Teacher! Blue!  Teacher! Blue!"  Perhaps they think my freckles are a sign that I have not evolved enough and therefore have no concept of mirrors.

A Korean woman I recently met, sent me the following text messages all in a row.

"you are so beautiful <3
you are very tall <3
you are nice <3
by the way you look very tired ππ
take a rest <3"

I actually don't think the pi symbol was π - it was probably a Korean character, but pi does make sense for symbolizing tired.

I thought the messages were a cute followup, but wasn't sure if I was supposed to assure her that she, too, was beautiful (she was), but not so tired looking or so tall.  Also, I was a little surprised because for the majority of my life, compliments from near strangers have come from young (and old) men hitting on me.  Not 35-year-old married women.  Perhaps one of the reasons the compliments come on so strongly here is due to the limitations of the user's English vocabulary.  They only memorize how to say "beautiful", not cute, adorable, pretty, hot, gorgeous, etc.  So they are only armed with the strongest of physical compliments.  Instead of being able to say "You look good" or "That color is really cute on you", they have to tell you that you are so very very beautiful.

Maybe that's the key difference - because it's not weird to be complimentary in the States, it's just weird to come on too strongly. 

So: what do you think about compliments?  Are too many insincere?  Is it OK to tell someone they've gained weight or look tired or sick? 

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Stages of Culture Shock

I wanted to this post right, I really did.  I was going to do a bunch of research and cite sources and integrate quotes from sources, and go all out.  Instead, I started to read the first scholarly article about culture shock that appeared on Google, and I got overwhelmed.  Mostly by the nonuserfriendly format, but also by the realization (after skimming a few paragraphs) that this was one of several theories on the stages of culture shock. I regoogled for a simpler format, and the next article I saw was titled Plasmodium falciparum erythrocytic stages in culture.

All of that to say, the information I bring you today will be based largely on personal experience and Wikipedia.  You are warned.

According to Wikipedia, there are four phases of Culture Shock: 

• 1.1 Honeymoon phase
• 1.2 Negotiation phase
• 1.3 Adjustment phase
• 1.4 Mastery phase

The Honeymoon phase is exactly what it sounds like – the idealized and exciting beginning of your new relationship with a country (in this case, Korea).  Everything is so fascinating and so thrilling and different and you're so happy to be out of your homecountrywheretherewasnotrueappreciationofyournaturalabilitytospeakenglish.  You very seriously consider kidnapping a few of the local children who are unbelievably adorable.


The Negotiation phase happens around three months in, when you start to realize just what you've committed yourself to – a strange land where people stare at you and eat stupid food and speak some sort of nonsense dialect and can't even properly replicate American fast food without adding their own twists (corn on pizza???).  Your life is filled with slow motion shots: You shaking your head as your students cannot remember a single word of yesterday's lesson; your co-teacher tapping you on the shoulder to tell you about a surprise meeting; the chicken guy staring at you blankly as you try to explain your order.  Everything is frustrating. 


The Adjustment phase (month 6-12) is when life starts to normalize and you accept your routine and other parts of the experience.  Kimchi starts to grow on you, you've figured out some functional communication skills, and you've made friends – friends, mom! – and you no longer get lost on every form of public transportation you use.  You shrug off or smile down the stares, and you learn how to use local ingredients in your toaster oven to make tasty creations.  If it doesn't feel like home, it doesn't feel so foreign either.  


The Mastery phase occurs when you are fully comfortable in your new culture.  Thinking about your life in your home country feels distant, and it almost feels strange to go back.  


**

You stick out as an expat.

Those were my interpretations of Wikipedia's descriptions as applied to Korea.  While, like most theories, they serve as a useful general guideline, they definitely haven't corresponded with my time here yet.  I think they vary greatly from person to person, but I also think that they are extremely fluid – at any point in your new country you might feel like a mix of all four phases.  For example, I still feel positive and enthusiastic about being here (phase 1), while occasionally getting frustrated (phase 2), and feeling strangely adjusted (phase 3); and my old life feels very far away (phase 4).


But, of course, I personally have had some advantages.  I have lived overseas before, I have lived away from family before, I was blessed to meet some great people early on, and I have an unnatural amount of endorphins or something – I generally enjoy myself.


Still, the whole business of working/living overseas is a strange one.  It's hard to describe – especially to people who have never traveled aside from vacations and destination weddings and class trips.  Committing to something for a year or more is enormously different than visiting somewhere for a week, or even a summer or semester.  A year is a countable fraction of your life.  It means decorating your apartment and joining a gym and figuring out bargains when grocery shopping.  There might be an end in sight, but it's four seasons away.  It's Thanksgiving, Christmas, Independence Day, birthdays, and weddings spent away from family and friends.  And working in a foreign country is different than studying or vacationing – it's communicating with locals, and dealing with different corporate practices, and getting a bank, cell phone, internet, etc.  


We probably all need therapists

Because living overseas is a crazy mix of emotions that don't make sense, and are hard to sort.  Also, most of us are kind of weird.  Like not just "leave your country for an adventure and money" weird, but fully, certifiably, "couldn't make friends or date in my home country so I'll test out Korea and they'll accept me because they'll attribute my weirdness to my foreignness" weird.  OK – I actually haven't met too many crazies, but I hear they're out there.  


Back to my original point: I generally feel conflicted when I stop and think about my life here.  I really like it.  I like my job.  I like Koreans.  I like most of the food.  I like my apartment. I like my friends. I could make a giant list of what I like.  But I miss a lot of things. And some of them are identical to my like list: I miss food variety. I miss my friends. I miss my non-early morning job. I miss my family.

And then, this is where it gets confusing: I know that the things I miss are not real things. They are memories of things.  My non-early morning job was parttime and was not cutting it.  My family is absolutely nuts. My friends have their own lives now.


Also, I know that the things I don't like aren't so different than in the States.  9-5 office jobs in the States are soul sucking.  Though my co-teacher springs last minute things on me, I like her and she is far better than having a nasty boss back home.  Things in Korean culture that seem bizarre or illogical are totally trumped by every DMV experience I've had in America.


I really do miss food variety though.


My experience has been a generally positive one.

Sure I get scared by the constant yelling in the supermarket and the drag racers who moonlight as local bus drivers.  I get tired of the language barrier and overwhelmed by the difficulties of everyday tasks like reading menus and hunting down baking soda.  But I'm learning so much about myself, about culture, and human nature.  I've met a spectrum of Koreans – wonderfully kind, very nerdy, strangely rude, shy, friendly, etc. – the same people you meet everywhere.  It's hard to imagine how different life here would be if I understood the language and could communicate with my neighbors and co-workers, and read the local news, and navigate effortlessly.  

I know that there are many legitimate horror stories about both public and private positions in Korea; contracts constantly changed, non-existent co-workers, schools that insist on hunting you down at the hospital if you take sick leave, etc.  On the other hand, there are many wonderful jobs that offer a great quality of life and working conditions.  I think the majority of jobs lie somewhere in between: good benefits, decent co-workers, but some annoying conditions that are livable.  That's life.  

If you are reading this as a homesick foreigner, cheer up.

Things could be worse.  You could be in my situation – I don't have a home to miss.  I grew up in six different countries, went to college in California, and my family is currently in Europe.  When I miss things about America, I'm generally referring to California, in which I have lived a total of four years.  My driver's license is Texan, my grandparents are in Connecticut, and my siblings are in the Midwest. 

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Cookie Day and Body Image

"What is Cookie Day?" SH (my co-teacher) asked me.

"I don't know.  A day to eat cookies? I replied, a bit confused. Then it dawned on me.  "It's not in the book is it?"

"Yes! Look."  She showed me the sentences we would be teaching our grade 5's:

"Cookie Day is on May 7. We will enjoy the cookies and help poor people."

Ah.

The no bakes I have created in my ovenless existence

"Why don't you know what is Cookie Day?" she smiled.

"We don't celebrate it."  I laughed.

"I have a friend who is a teacher.  She has another foreign teacher.  Her foreign teacher knows what is Cookie Day."

I found this hard to believe; regardless, I have no idea what induced the curriculum writers to include such a random holiday in our dialogues.  Even if there's a mysterious foreign teacher out there who knows exactly what it is.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up and celebrate.

Obesity in the classroom

During my first few days teaching, I was surprised at the amount of overweight kids in my classes.  Around 40% of my 5th and 6th graders are overweight/obese, which actually confirms the OECD statistics.  I haven't properly researched the topic, but my former co-worker told me that the government had become concerned over childhood obesity rates. 

Before coming here, I had been under the impression that Koreans were shaped differently (they are), and simply didn't gain large quantities of weight because of diet/lifestyle/genetics.  Yeah - I was pretty ignorant.  Now that I'm here I've seen my fare share of bigger Koreans, including men and women who are simply big boned and tall.

Still, the same general impression of Korean men and women being shorter, slimmer, and - yes - cuter, has held true.  I don't know if this general cuteness is the result or the cause of the Korean emphasis on beauty and dieting.  A lot of statistics are thrown around about SK's obsession with plastic surgery, and the one that caught my attention can be found in this Economist article – Korea is the highest plastic surgery consumer (per capita) in the world.  (Check out the link for more information; the statistics include non-invasive cosmetic enhancements like Botox.)

Girl's Generation

Public pressure

My question is: Numbers aside, is the pressure on women to be thin/pretty greater in Korea or in the States?  I think Korea takes the cake.  Both cultures have a strong media presence which streams photoshopped images of impossibly thin, attractive women with flawless skin.  (They don't agree on all their beauty standards, but that's for another post.)  However, in Korea, the beauty obsession is much more public –  your co-workers, family, and friends will have no qualms telling you that you look "off" today or that you've gained weight, or should wear more/less makeup.

Also, in Korea the standard of beauty seems to be more monogamous and accepted than in the States.  I haven't seen as much of a counter protest against the skinny=perfect mantra – in the States there are nonstop articles questioning the weight-obsession; and celebrities and ordinary folk alike have taken a stand.  There are American actresses, celebrated for their beauty, who are not size zero - Sophia Vergara (the hottie on Modern Family), Scarlett Johansson,  Kate Winslet, etc.  *To be honest, I don't watch Korean T.V. or read articles, but the general impression that I get is that the standard of beauty is more rigid (super skinny, "small face", pale skin), and less challenged (I've yet to hear a Korean complain about these expectations, but I've heard many enforce them.)

I haven't put a lot of research into this, but if you google "korea weight obsession", you'll get plenty of anecdotes about the topic.

Korean idols

My "fat" co-worker

Here's my anecdote to add to the bunch: my co-teacher, who is tiny, as in size zero (or probably negative with all the vanity sizing now), regularly complains about her weight.  But she doesn't do it in a "I really wanna lose three pounds" American way to get the – "Oh but you're so skinny" response.  She genuinely seems to believe it, and gets bummed out by the fact that she likes food so much and can't bring herself to stop eating.  Also – and I have no way to verify this – apparently her boyfriend has been agreeing that she needs to lose weight.  It boggles my mind.  I would literally diagnose her as anorexic, except that she isn't starving herself.  The other day she told me she wanted to take her cardigan off, but couldn't because she of her fat arms.  And, when I can't help but tell her she was being stupid (yes, I used those words), she said I didn't know because I hadn't actually seen her tiny little stomach that does not pooch out in her dresses, jeans, or skirts.

But, genuine or not, the weight conversation gets old.  Now when it comes up, I just role my eyes, tell her to stop being dumb, and constantly advise her to break up with her boyfriend.  He's not too thrilled about me, but I'm not too thrilled about him either. 

Gentlemen; when you tell your girlfriend she's fat, it not only ruins her week, but her co-worker's week.    

Naturally, when I hear things like this, I wonder if it's only self criticism, or if she happens to think that I'm a mammoth.  I'm pretty slim, but I do have hips and thighs, and – horror – arms.  I probably look like King Kong to her.  (I have at least 5 inches on her).

Other factors

I don't think that I personally have a strong enough understanding of the pressure on women in Korea to look a certain way.  I can't imagine being hounded by my parents over my weight.  I can't imagine growing up going into stores and literally not being able my (non obese) size.  I can't imagine having friends tell me that I've gotten uglier.

It's not that other countries don't pressure their women (and men!) – it's that they aren't as direct.  And there's something to be said for that. 

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Quirky Korea

There have been many incidents that have happened to me in Korea that aren't enough material for a blog post, but that definitely add colors to the picture of my life here.  I've decided to start putting these into Quirky Korea lists.

Quirky Korea

1) Metro announcement music. At the subway in Seoul, when your train is about to pull into the station, it is announced with trumpety fanfare over the PA system.  Kind of like the president is arriving.  Every 8 minutes. 

2) This month I accidentally ate jelly fish legs.  How does one accidentally eat jelly fish legs?  The same way you accidentally eat anything - someone sticks a plate in front of you, doesn't tell you what it is, and you assume it's noodles.  For the record: no, they weren't delightful enough to compensate for the weirdness of the idea.

3) Service. If you make a big or specific order, vendors will often throw in a free gift.  This is service.  Literally, that's what they call it, so if you aren't sure if they accidentally stuck something in, you can ask: "Service?"

Last week I bought a pack of batteries and received service: a packet containing some sort of white material.  I was pretty excited because I love free stuff.  It turned out to be one of those face masks that are worn by a) Zach Braff and b) bus drivers in my neighborhood.

4) Speaking of service, pizza places give you free sides of sweet pickles with your order.

5) There's no such thing as sending an unruly student to the principal's office here.  Teachers are expected to deal with students by themselves.  My co-teacher and I usually send disrespectful kids to stand at the back of the class for a while.

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