Of coffee, men and countries (but mostly TCKs)

This morning I used the excuse of not owning a coffee maker (is that what they're called?) to get out of a date.  I knew not being a coffee person would one day reap rewards. And yes, "I don't have a coffee maker" is a lame excuse to not meet up with someone, especially when I could have pulled the boyfriend card – but really, who invites themselves over to your place for coffee after talking to you for three minutes? Yes, that was a lot of italics.  This just got real.

I have always been a compulsive truth enhancer, because it tends to make life easier.  When I lived in the States, I tended to field the "where are you from" question (a TCK favorite) with my pick of whatever state I happened to not be in, but happened to be generally affiliated with.  The states I am generally affiliated with include the following: Texas, California, Connecticut, New Jersey, Florida, Pennsylvania, Virginia.  Florida is a stretch – I still remember the look on my Texan friend Sandi's face when I told an elder at her church that I was from Florida.

"Siobhan, just because your dad went to college there doesn't mean you're from Florida." I believe these were her exact words.


Still, judgers aside (that's you Sandi), being able to pick and choose my fromness has its benefits.  I can gauge a situation and see if the people are Southern, Eastern, or West Coast friendly.  Every state/area has its own stereotypes, and my nomadity allows me to pick my poison. In Korea I usually say California because it's the last place in the States that I lived, it's the state in which I spent the longest time (four years), and I have family and friends there.  This is all fairly legit, until I meet a Californian who wants to know where exactly in California I'm from.  Oh and I'm not chesty, cutesy or tan.  Part of me feels a twinge of guilt at ruining the California girl stereotype for people when I'm not actually from California.

My sister is worse though. She has never lived in California – I believe she's only visited once – but she claims it as her fromness (I'm really enjoying that word).  The problem is, there aren't really any better alternatives for her.

So why lie? Why not tell the ohsoawesomeadventurousexciting story of growing up overseas?  Why not spout out the list of countries we lived in and explain that our time in the States was limited to summer vacations and yes our English is good because we went to international schools and no we didn't live in the pyramids and yes the people really do dress differently and yes we had McDonalds and household help but that wasn't weird because labor was cheap?

Well, that's why.  It's a long story and not really small talk fodder unless you're in a long term small talk situation at a gathering where everyone has paired or grouped up and you're stuck talking to the one person and the conversation topic has been exhausted but you don't have a good excuse to just walk away so your eyes are scanning the room for a group to join because if you start into an actual conversation you'll just get embedded and it's not that you don't want to talk to the person it's that you're worried that they feel stuck with you and you don't want to feel unwanted but aren't sure what the other person is thinking because you've just met...

Another reason TCKs might not be crazy about the "where are you from" question is that it's a total left fielder.  Society and small talk functions on expectations – you smile and make non-controversial statements and laugh and smile in the right places. Everything is familiar – oh yes, the traffic on the loop is awful on Saturdays, aren't babies adorable? – and the topics are meant to be ones that easily connect people. Growing up overseas doesn't fit into the box of expectations.  It's an accidental non sequitur – a conversational land mine.  It's a million word answer to the simplest of questions.  It's kind of like if you ask someone how they are and they start philosophizing on the state of the modern American greeting, and give you an in-depth look at their current existential state.  You wanted and expected a simple, common answer, but you received way more information than the situation merited.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that we don't ever want to talk about our childhoods and experiences overseas. It's just difficult to condense our bizarre backgrounds, and many casual introductions aren't socially facile places to discuss the subject.  Most TCKs are more than happy to talk with their friends about living overseas – in fact, I welcome such conversations.  I just don't relish them when I meet someone for the first time. And there are other reasons:

Why TCKs can be reluctant to discuss their past

1) It's difficult to explain.  It's a different world, and it can be hard to paint a picture.

2) It makes you stand out, but not on your own terms. I'm a stage-loving, emceeing, extroverted, attention whore. I like attention.  But I like to control when and where I'm receiving attention, and that doesn't always include being the oddball who grew up overseas. I'd rather be known for traits that I've chosen for myself.

3) It can get tedious. I love love love meeting new people, but explaining the same thing every single time gets old.  (And we all have something like this – explaining that your child is adopted or your multi-racial background or your tattoo, etc.)  It's hard to treat each new acquaintance like it's opening night – the reality is that you've been on tour repeating the same script for years and years.

4) Sometimes it's nice to blend in. Growing up in countries where I stood out because of my skin and language, it can be relaxing to be one of the herd. 

5) It's personal.  I mean, discussing all of the places I grew up in doesn't have to be too personal, but it does give an immediate look into my childhood.  Not a big deal, but sometimes I don't want to lay everything on the table.

6) Telling someone you're a TCK can be a conversation killer.  The person you're talking to will often say something like "Oh that must have been so interesting" or ask about what part of the country you were in.  But after that, either everything becomes focused on you ("So did you like it? How long were you there? What was the weather like"), which makes things one-sided, or the conversation sort of halts. 

**

All of that said, I don't actually mind talking about my past with new acquaintances who are interested – I just sometimes have to remind myself that they haven't heard my spiel before.

Also, I have definitely used the weirdness of my past to my advantage.  I have often let people believe that some of the weird things I do are the result of my upbringing, when the reality is that I happen to have a few quirks.  Socks, earrings, food, men, nailpolish, hair – I know plenty of TCKs who have perfectly normal relationships with these things. 

Posted in: tcks