8:49 PM
Sho
"You look tired. Students say you look very tired. Are you tired?"
I've been getting these questions quite frequently lately, partly because I am tired after working full time for five months without a vacation. And partly because, at about the three month mark I stopped regularly wearing makeup. Yes. I will be the wife who cuts her hair off and gains 50 pounds after the wedding.
Koreans tend to be extremely blunt about appearances. Actually, this seems to be an Asian thing: two of my besties grew up in Asia (Japan and Thailand) and had many stories about their classmates/people on the street commenting on their appearances. It's pleasant to take in the compliments (even the weird ones - like when people on the street insisted on a photo of my friend because she "looked like Britney Spears". Nope. ), but there is a dark side. Where compliments flow, criticisms flow also. My gorgeous friend who grew up in Japan happens to be tall and curvy with massive eyes and curly red hair. None of these features are conducive to blending in, and when she was a child, her classmates used to tease her about her appearance, including trying to measure her forehead with a ruler.
I'll never forget coming home for Christmas after my first semester at college and being told by my Filipino cook that I looked "healthy." As in, I had gained weight. Which, in my case, actually did make me look more healthy - but weight gain is not something that Westerners tend to discuss so freely. I discussed Korean body image in a different post, so I'm not going to get into that here, but let's just say weight is discussed a lot. (Hence my previous post about my plumpy co-teacher).
Some of my friends here have been chased out of clothing stores by attendants who are zealously guarding their tiny-sized merchandise. Others tell me stories of how their students have been taught to pose in pictures with their hands under their chims to make their faces look smaller. A fun post on Eat Your Kimchi discusses the "fat and ugly foreigner" problem - a subject that is discussed so much amongst expats here that I forget it might be an interesting post for my international readers.
The flipside has its perks. Students and adults will frequently tell you that you are beautiful, have a small face (this is a good thing), and that they envy your youth. There are also wonderful moments, like when my third graders discovered my arm freckles and pointed in awe, looking at me and then my freckles, then me, then my freckles, silently letting me know
about my disease. They also pet my arm hair and every once in a while re-discover my eye color. "Teacher! Blue! Teacher! Blue!" Perhaps they think my freckles are a sign that I have not evolved enough and therefore have no concept of mirrors.
A Korean woman I recently met, sent me the following text messages all in a row.
I actually don't think the pi symbol was π - it was probably a Korean character, but pi does make sense for symbolizing tired.
I thought the messages were a cute followup, but wasn't sure if I was supposed to assure her that she, too, was beautiful (she was), but not so tired looking or so tall. Also, I was a little surprised because for the majority of my life, compliments from near strangers have come from young (and old) men hitting on me. Not 35-year-old married women. Perhaps one of the reasons the compliments come on so strongly here is due to the limitations of the user's English vocabulary. They only memorize how to say "beautiful", not cute, adorable, pretty, hot, gorgeous, etc. So they are only armed with the strongest of physical compliments. Instead of being able to say "You look good" or "That color is really cute on you", they have to tell you that you are so very very beautiful.
Maybe that's the key difference - because it's not weird to be complimentary in the States, it's just weird to come on too strongly.
So: what do you think about compliments? Are too many insincere? Is it OK to tell someone they've gained weight or look tired or sick?
I've been getting these questions quite frequently lately, partly because I am tired after working full time for five months without a vacation. And partly because, at about the three month mark I stopped regularly wearing makeup. Yes. I will be the wife who cuts her hair off and gains 50 pounds after the wedding.
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| Lake Park picnic...before I was tired:) |
Koreans tend to be extremely blunt about appearances. Actually, this seems to be an Asian thing: two of my besties grew up in Asia (Japan and Thailand) and had many stories about their classmates/people on the street commenting on their appearances. It's pleasant to take in the compliments (even the weird ones - like when people on the street insisted on a photo of my friend because she "looked like Britney Spears". Nope. ), but there is a dark side. Where compliments flow, criticisms flow also. My gorgeous friend who grew up in Japan happens to be tall and curvy with massive eyes and curly red hair. None of these features are conducive to blending in, and when she was a child, her classmates used to tease her about her appearance, including trying to measure her forehead with a ruler.
I'll never forget coming home for Christmas after my first semester at college and being told by my Filipino cook that I looked "healthy." As in, I had gained weight. Which, in my case, actually did make me look more healthy - but weight gain is not something that Westerners tend to discuss so freely. I discussed Korean body image in a different post, so I'm not going to get into that here, but let's just say weight is discussed a lot. (Hence my previous post about my plumpy co-teacher).
Some of my friends here have been chased out of clothing stores by attendants who are zealously guarding their tiny-sized merchandise. Others tell me stories of how their students have been taught to pose in pictures with their hands under their chims to make their faces look smaller. A fun post on Eat Your Kimchi discusses the "fat and ugly foreigner" problem - a subject that is discussed so much amongst expats here that I forget it might be an interesting post for my international readers.
The flipside has its perks. Students and adults will frequently tell you that you are beautiful, have a small face (this is a good thing), and that they envy your youth. There are also wonderful moments, like when my third graders discovered my arm freckles and pointed in awe, looking at me and then my freckles, then me, then my freckles, silently letting me know
about my disease. They also pet my arm hair and every once in a while re-discover my eye color. "Teacher! Blue! Teacher! Blue!" Perhaps they think my freckles are a sign that I have not evolved enough and therefore have no concept of mirrors.
A Korean woman I recently met, sent me the following text messages all in a row.
"you are so beautiful <3
you are very tall <3
you are nice <3
by the way you look very tired ππ
take a rest <3"
I actually don't think the pi symbol was π - it was probably a Korean character, but pi does make sense for symbolizing tired.
I thought the messages were a cute followup, but wasn't sure if I was supposed to assure her that she, too, was beautiful (she was), but not so tired looking or so tall. Also, I was a little surprised because for the majority of my life, compliments from near strangers have come from young (and old) men hitting on me. Not 35-year-old married women. Perhaps one of the reasons the compliments come on so strongly here is due to the limitations of the user's English vocabulary. They only memorize how to say "beautiful", not cute, adorable, pretty, hot, gorgeous, etc. So they are only armed with the strongest of physical compliments. Instead of being able to say "You look good" or "That color is really cute on you", they have to tell you that you are so very very beautiful.
Maybe that's the key difference - because it's not weird to be complimentary in the States, it's just weird to come on too strongly.
So: what do you think about compliments? Are too many insincere? Is it OK to tell someone they've gained weight or look tired or sick?
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5 comments:
First off...Filipino cook? Grrrrl you fancy!
Second...everyone gets told they look tired. Koreans tell Koreans this. It's a good thing. It means you are working hard and that is respectable. When they stop telling you that you look tired, then you need to start worrying.
My first year, public school, was spent dealing with many of these issues. My year at the hagwon has made me realized that, yes, "beautiful" is one of the only compliments they know thus they use it often. My other coworkers all speak English and, aside from the initial meeting of "wow she's beautiful! blah blah blah", it hasn't been brought up again (okay, sometimes). We talk about actual things going on in the school and our personal lives. We have more to discuss because they have a larger English vocabulary.
Also...have you heard "skinny fat"? Most Koreans are this. I know a woman who is so tiny that I could wrap my hands around her waist. She has cellulite. CELLULITE. Cos she's skinny fat, tiny but it's aaaaalllllll the bad kinda thin. :finishes her chocopie: That's a wrap!
Taylor! What's with renaming yourself every 5 minutes? Identity issues much? :P And cool, I didn't realize that tired was a compliment - it usually sounds like they expect me to be really perky all the time and aren't happy about it.
That's awesome that you have co-workers who have good English. I have two (and a half) at my school and we also talk about normal stuff. I guess it's just startling when they meet you and blurt out something about your appearance. and ask your age/marital status etc (so they know where to place you socially). Though I do still get comments about my shape, "long" (tall) with short shoulders (not broad).
I haven't heard skinny fat but that makes sense. Kind of ridiculous though cause most women have cellulite. (or at least that's what my chocopie tells me).
ok so your writing is brilliant as always. btw, i think i'm totally skinny fat or as i usually put it...i'm a fat skinny girl. although my use of "skinny" might not exactly be the same as a korean's. :P
omgg i meant to say skinny FAT GIRL. lolll...it gets confusing.
hahahahha I didn't notice your mistake. but you're totally fat skinny! (I think we've known this for a few years now...ever since that fair)
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